It is after midnight,so it is technically my birthday.The big 30...not sure how I feel about it.I dont feel my age(most of the time).I feel like I havent accomplished anything,but yet I dont know what I want to do either.
I have spent the last half of my life raising a child,putting her needs first and not really thinking of myself.Im not sure I know how to put myself first,Im always taking care of my kids and my husband.I get asked what I want for my birthday/christmas and honestly I dont know...I dont really think about it.I see things that I like,but I dont remember them.I dont see something and say "Oh-I want that"I say "oh-thats nice"and dont dwell on it.We cant afford things right now,so I dont really even look.I do pay attention to what my children like,and try to get them special surprises when I am able to.
My children are growing fast,maybe I will be able to figure out what I want to be when they are grown,maybe I will never know.Maybe by having a child so young,I completely altered my options.Maybe I was meant to be a mother/wife.I have so many maybes.....I try not to dwell on them,but sometimes they overwhelm me.
How do you figure out who you are soppose to be,when you have been Mommy so long?My identity is completely entwined with my families.I am honey to my husband,mommy to my kids,Ethans mom,Kenzies mom,Matthews mom to the school/kids friends.My daughters friends even call me mom,I can go days without actually hearing my own name!!!I dont really have any friends,I dont have "girls night out"or anything of that nature,my whole life is wrapped up inside my family.I dont do any of the things I use to,I dont write poems anymore.or stories.The inspiration is gone(or at least hiding).I dont have any real hobbies besides scrapbooking(which is also all about my family)or anything that is uniquely or identifiably "ME".
Is it to early for a "mid life"crisis?I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the line!!!If you find me will you please return me immediatly!!!!
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